I went into the hospital this morning
for what should be my final round of tests. Because I have been living
with this medical mystery for a year now, I have been very emotional about
it. Finally today I am getting the tests that should give me all the answers
I need. I feel relieved and anxious all at the same time. Even though I
know who my chief medical attendant is (God)! I must admit, I am
still feeling a certain kind of way that’s very difficult to describe.
I guess it’s to be expected, it has been quite a build up, until
now; I have basically been walking around not knowing and today… well
in a week or so I will get these test results back and I will finally know.
No more; Ms. Haynes, “we think”, “it might be”, or random drug
experiments. I cannot believe all this started last year!
If someone would have told me that I would be minding my own business one
minute and riding in an ambulance to the emergency room the next and…
that the saga would go on and on for 12 long months, I would have
slapped them in the mouth!
I have been struggling and living in
constant chaos and fear, bouncing from Dr. to Dr. and fighting with my
health insurance company all while trying to cope with everything that
was happening within my body. I have had to contend with everything from severe
vertigo, long nights in
the emergency room getting IV medication to treat a migraine that has gone on for several days, partial paralysis, loss of
hearing and even blindness just to name a few! I can say, I have been to the edge and back a few times!
There were times when I was sure I was going
to lose my entire mind or die. There were times when I wanted to
die. Somewhere inside of me I found the strength to push through it and
kick and fight my way out! It has not been easy; there have been days I
could barely get out of my bed. But I managed to get through. And
every day has been better than the last. I pray these tests show
nothing that can’t be fixed, I pray they show nothing at all! I am mixed
with fear, anxiety and relief. I realize I have come a long way since
this all began a year ago and I feel stronger and healthier than ever.
I have even lost weight… but it’s so much bigger than a few pounds
on a scale, I have been fighting to get my life back and I feel, finally,
like I am winning! No matter what these tests discover, I will continue
on this path of taking care of my whole person and cherishing and celebrating
every single minute of my life! It’s amazing how much more beautiful everything
appears when you have literally experienced what it is like to go
blind or, how much movement is cherished after you have lost the ability
to do so. I have had my fair share of pity parties … no I have not
yet “arrived” as a matter of fact, I’m still on the bus on my
way there… I may need to make a few transfers but, I am getting there.
Sometimes, I regret not taking better
care of myself from the very beginning; maybe I would not have found myself
in this position. But ultimately I can’t look back; I must keep my focus
forward. I still stand firm in the belief that everything happens for a
reason. These challenges I have been faced with have helped me to learn
to live in the moment completely. I think I have always been one
foot in the moment and one foot someplace else. Now, I appreciate
every single moment in life, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning
to the moment I drift off to sleep at night. A beautiful change has
taken place within me… I want to live a fearless life and I want to love with
wild abandon! I want to be present in the moment. I want to be a
participant in life not just part of the audience. The truth that
has been revealed to me living “this” close to the edge, not knowing
if I will wake up tomorrow or, if today will be the last day I see my babies
smile or look into my husband’s big beautiful brown eyes is; I don’t
know what the next moment will bring but, I do know I do not want my last
moment to be in a place of regret, sadness, anger or fear. I receive
these challenges I have faced with gratitude.
I Am …. living in
a place of gratitude.
