I went into the hospital this morning for what should be my final round of tests. Because I have been living with this medical mystery for a year now, I have been very emotional about it. Finally today I am getting the tests that should give me all the answers I need. I feel relieved and anxious all at the same time. Even though I know who my chief medical attendant is (God)! I must admit, I am still feeling a certain kind of way that’s very difficult to describe. I guess it’s to be expected, it has been quite a build up, until now; I have basically been walking around not knowing and today… well in a week or so I will get these test results back and I will finally know. No more; Ms. Haynes, “we think”, “it might be”, or random drug experiments. I cannot believe all this started last year! If someone would have told me that I would be minding my own business one minute and riding in an ambulance to the emergency room the next and… that the saga would go on and on for 12 long months, I would have slapped them in the mouth!
I have been struggling and living in constant chaos and fear, bouncing from Dr. to Dr. and fighting with my health insurance company all while trying to cope with everything that was happening within my body. I have had to contend with everything from severe vertigo, long nights in the emergency room getting IV medication to treat a migraine that has gone on for several days, partial paralysis, loss of hearing and even blindness just to name a few! I can say, I have been to the edge and back a few times!
There were times when I was sure I was going to lose my entire mind or die. There were times when I wanted to die. Somewhere inside of me I found the strength to push through it and kick and fight my way out! It has not been easy; there have been days I could barely get out of my bed. But I managed to get through. And every day has been better than the last. I pray these tests show nothing that can’t be fixed, I pray they show nothing at all! I am mixed with fear, anxiety and relief. I realize I have come a long way since this all began a year ago and I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I have even lost weight… but it’s so much bigger than a few pounds on a scale, I have been fighting to get my life back and I feel, finally, like I am winning! No matter what these tests discover, I will continue on this path of taking care of my whole person and cherishing and celebrating every single minute of my life! It’s amazing how much more beautiful everything appears when you have literally experienced what it is like to go blind or, how much movement is cherished after you have lost the ability to do so. I have had my fair share of pity parties … no I have not yet “arrived” as a matter of fact, I’m still on the bus on my way there… I may need to make a few transfers but, I am getting there.
Sometimes, I regret not taking better care of myself from the very beginning; maybe I would not have found myself in this position. But ultimately I can’t look back; I must keep my focus forward. I still stand firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason. These challenges I have been faced with have helped me to learn to live in the moment completely. I think I have always been one foot in the moment and one foot someplace else. Now, I appreciate every single moment in life, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I drift off to sleep at night. A beautiful change has taken place within me… I want to live a fearless life and I want to love with wild abandon! I want to be present in the moment. I want to be a participant in life not just part of the audience. The truth that has been revealed to me living “this” close to the edge, not knowing if I will wake up tomorrow or, if today will be the last day I see my babies smile or look into my husband’s big beautiful brown eyes is; I don’t know what the next moment will bring but, I do know I do not want my last moment to be in a place of regret, sadness, anger or fear. I receive these challenges I have faced with gratitude.
I Am …. living in a place of gratitude.