I'm Still Progressing!

I'm Still Progressing!


I'm back! A little update on my journey so far, a minor set back, celebrations and... progress.

Call it what you want… I call it a blessing:

Call it what you want… I call it a blessing:

I have quite the collection of IV scars on my arms to remind me of the torture and torment I have endured over the past year.   Since this mystery illness began, I have suffered debilitating migraine headaches, lasting for hours, sometimes days. I have lost my sight and hearing, and had continuous blurred vision. Dizzy spells became a way of life. I have been paralyzed, dealt with frustrating stuttering and slurred speech, constant vertigo and the list goes on! Sometimes these symptoms would appear one at a time, sometimes, all at once! I was sure at some point I might just die! I became so horribly depressed I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror looking back at me.  I remember sending a text to a friend that said “If I wasn’t such a coward, I would kill myself.”  I spent days crying and I could not go to sleep without my husband right beside me because I was so afraid that tomorrow would  not come for me. It was a horrible existence; I was living in complete paralyzing fear. I honestly didn’t think I could take much more. 

After over a year of going from Dr. to Dr., Specialist to Specialist, and one emergency room visit after another, I finally found the answers and the solutions I so desperately needed. Finally, I was diagnosed with Hemiplegic Migraine.  It is a rare neurological disease that presents itself with stroke like symptoms. In severe episodes, permanent brain damage, coma, and even death are possible.   

They can call it what they want… I call it… a blessing.  What you say?! Maybe she has had one to many of these episodes! No, I have not lost it! As a matter of fact I would say I have found it!  “It” being that place of gratitude, and “it” being a state of grace and peace and the true ability to appreciate life and fully live in the moment.  

We have all found ourselves saying “life is short”! I have uttered that same statement myself a million times! I know enough about loss to appreciate the saying. I have experienced true loss several times in my life, but I never truly realized the value of my own life until I began living “this” close to the edge of losing it. I had to admit, in my previous post, Living in a Place of Gratitude, I have always been one foot in the moment and one foot someplace else. All that changed when I personally came face to face with how fleeting life truly is. It’s amazing how everything became crystal clear, like I had been walking with blinders on all this time. I had to ask myself, what the heck have I missed out on?!  Now, suddenly, I have both feet firmly planted in the present moment at all times! The mere fact that I woke up is cause for celebration!  My waking prayer every morning – THANK YOU, life has a much deeper meaning for me these days.  

I am not saying I am all of a sudden some sort of super “enlightened” being. I am saying, I have been living in a state of fear and emotional chaos and I am finally free of all that. I am lighter in spirit, a lot less stressed, and beyond grateful for the opportunity to start again.  

My transformation has amazed not only my friends and family, but medical professionals’, complete strangers, and even myself! By taking matters into my own hands and making what some would consider drastic lifestyle changes, (if going vegan, juicing every day, exercising, losing 70 lbs and meditation and yoga are extreme, then call it extreme) I triumphed over this debilitating disorder. I found out that drastic changes are what you must resort to when your life is on the line. Before I knew what “it” was I knew I had to take control. I knew I was the only one that could take charge of what was going on inside my body, mind and spirit. 

Will and determination are powerful things, more powerful than fear. I am living proof of that. 70 lbs later, I may be on my way to being in the best health of my life! Though I am told this “condition” might never actually go away, the “episodes” I was experiencing are far less frequent and far less debilitating. I have a 1 gallon zip lock bag full of bottles of medication I was on and, I have a bunch of hospital wrist bands to serve as reminders of where I was and how far I have come. 

For my next chapter, I will live my life with a little more spontaneity, face my fears, live my dreams, and most importantly, express my love to those around me daily and often because… this moment is all we have! As a matter of fact, as I type this paragraph, this moment is already a memory.  No more missed moments, no more lost opportunities, and definitely no regrets. If I knew today was going to be my last day, I would want to go into the next life dancing barefoot in the rain, wearing a pink tutu, and princess crown, laughing uncontrollably saying “dam that was fun let’s do it again!!”  This is the good stuff, this is the stuff that living is made of, and that is the stuff I want to fill my world with.  

So I say, “thank you” mystery illness “thank you” very much, you have helped me see the beauty in everything! You have helped me tune in and focus on what truly matters. There is a saying I have seen several times all over social media it goes something like, “It’s the really important stuff that never makes it on the “to do” list.”  My to-do list has been drastically rearranged, #1 on my list of things to do – LIVE!!! 

*image from Little Birdie Blessings.

The Reluctant Jogger...

I took a brisk 30 minute jog today! I don't like the cold very much but I didn't have time to get to the gym so, I got out there and went for it! I took a moment to pause so I could snap a few pictures of the frosty grass and frozen lake, then I realized the beauty of the cold crisp morning. I'm glad I didn't miss this. ❤ #ChristineInProgress

I AM – living in a place of gratitude

I went into the hospital this morning for what should be my final round of tests.  Because I have been living with this medical mystery for a year now, I have been very emotional about it. Finally today I am getting the tests that should give me all the answers I need. I feel relieved and anxious all at the same time. Even though I know who my chief medical attendant is (God)!  I must admit, I am still feeling a certain kind of way that’s very difficult to describe.  I guess it’s to be expected, it has been quite a build up, until now; I have basically been walking around not knowing and today… well in a week or so I will get these test results back and I will finally know.  No more; Ms. Haynes, “we think”, “it might be”, or random drug experiments.  I cannot believe all this started last year! If someone would have told me that I would be minding my own business one minute and riding in an ambulance to the emergency room the next and… that the saga would go on and on for 12 long months,  I would have slapped them in the mouth!  

 

I have been struggling and living in constant chaos and fear, bouncing from Dr. to Dr. and fighting with my health insurance company all while trying to cope with everything that was happening within my body.  I have had to contend with everything from severe vertigo, long nights in the emergency room getting IV medication to treat a migraine that has gone on for several days, partial paralysis, loss of hearing and even blindness just to name a few! I can say, I have been to the edge and back a few times! 

There were times when I was sure I was going to lose my entire mind or die.  There were times when I wanted to die. Somewhere inside of me I found the strength to push through it and kick and fight my way out! It has not been easy; there have been days I could barely get out of my bed.  But I managed to get through.  And every day has been better than the last.   I pray these tests show nothing that can’t be fixed, I pray they show nothing at all! I am mixed with fear, anxiety and relief.  I realize I have come a long way since this all began a year ago and I feel stronger and healthier than ever.  I have even lost weight… but it’s so much bigger than a few pounds on a scale, I have been fighting to get my life back and I feel, finally, like I am winning! No matter what these tests discover, I will continue on this path of taking care of my whole person and cherishing and celebrating every single minute of my life! It’s amazing how much more beautiful everything appears when you have literally experienced what it is like to go blind or, how much movement is cherished after you have lost the ability to do so.  I have had my fair share of pity parties … no I have not yet “arrived”  as a matter of fact, I’m still on the bus on my way there… I may need to make a few transfers but, I am getting there. 

 

Sometimes, I regret not taking better care of myself from the very beginning; maybe I would not have found myself in this position. But ultimately I can’t look back; I must keep my focus forward. I still stand firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason. These challenges I have been faced with have helped me to learn to live in the moment completely.  I think I have always been one foot in the moment and one foot someplace else.  Now, I appreciate every single moment in life, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the moment I drift off to sleep at night.  A beautiful change has taken place within me… I want to live a fearless life and I want to love with wild abandon!  I want to be present in the moment. I want to be a participant in life not just part of the audience.  The truth that has been revealed to me living “this” close to the edge, not knowing if I will wake up tomorrow or, if today will be the last day I see my babies smile or look into my husband’s big beautiful brown eyes is; I don’t know what the next moment will bring but, I do know I do not want my last moment to be in a place of regret, sadness, anger or fear.   I receive these challenges I have faced with gratitude.  

I Am …. living in a place of gratitude. 

 

If the woman I am now could talk to the girl I was then...

 

Reflection: 

That's me at age 13.

If the woman I am now could talk to the girl I was then...

I would hug her tight, and tell her, no matter what I love her.

She is the opposite of everything they will say she is.

She is loved.

She is beautiful.

She is smart.

And she is strong.

She is a gift and a blessing.

Her life is valuable.

She is powerful beyond measure.

And when it's all said and done, she will look back on all she will go through, exhale and say...

I'm still here!