I’m
a failure and I am totally OK with that! No really, I am. I wasn’t
at first but now… I have come to terms with the fact that I’m…a failure.
These things happen and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all can’t be successful
at everything we do. Or, maybe we can be successful at some things and a
successful failure at other things. So, instead of getting all up in my
feelings, I am just going to embrace my success at failing.
I
started Christine in Progress (C.I.P) all the way back in 2012 as a way to
chronicle my health and wellness journey and hopefully inspire some people
along the way. (You can get a better glimpse into what prompted that by
reading my post, I am living in a place of gratitude.)
I was doing really great. I mean REALLY GREAT!!! I successfully
transitioned from a lifetime meat lover to a Vegan!! I even embraced the fully
raw lifestyle! I went from loving sleep to flipping tires at
5 am!! From drinking gallons of coffee to blending smoothies! And I lost over
70lbs in the process!! In addition to getting control over a chronic
illness, high blood pressure, and leaving the borderline diabetic zone, I
was motivated, I was inspired and I was… out of my mind obsessed and focused on
sticking to “the program.” It’s amazing the lengths one will go to when their
life is on the line. I don’t regret it at all. It was absolutely
necessary to be all or nothing in this process. My dad always told me
don’t ever do anything half-assed… so, I put my full ass into it! :) Seriously, I was sick, I was tired, I was scared, and I was
in a position where cutting corners was not an option, period.
I
was fully committed to the process for just about three years, give or
take. Yep, I said, “was.” Did you notice that? You, my friend are very
observant. Was. I was completely and totally obsessive-compulsive level
committed to the entire process. No excuses, no pain, no gain…. Blah,
blah, blah all that.
Then…LIFE
got in the way.
I
work a day job, although early on I was working a day job, running a successful
business and teaching at a local college all at the same time. Because of
my health issues at the time, I had to let the business go and take a break
from teaching. I’m married (though my husband is perfectly capable of
caring for himself) I’m just saying… I’m married and there are things that go
along with that… like responsibilities and whatnot. We have two daughters at
home who also have lives and their lives have quickly become our lives.
Our youngest is a gymnast, a singer, and a very cute, very active 10-year-old.
And our 15-year old is a smart, beautiful, philanthropist running her own
charitable organization, who dabbles in art and is a track star on the rise.
Oh, and let’s not forget their super important social obligations.
*insert sarcastic face here*
There
were tons of “changes” going on at the day job and it was quite frankly, very
freaking stressful up in there! Time became less and less available, my focus
was suddenly all over the place and honestly, let me just come right out and
say it, people... I got a little lazy.
In
the beginning, I was so sure I could do it all! I could take care of me,
them, as well as everyone and everything in between! If you let me tell
it, I was super woman! Slowly, I started to put myself on the back
burner for every other priority in my life. Before I knew it, I looked up
and realized I had not been to the gym, on a hike, walk or to a yoga class in
like “forever.” Hell, I had a pile of exercise DVDS’s in my entertainment
thingy that suddenly started collecting dust!
I
was still eating pretty healthy, drinking juices and smoothies here and there
but not every day. Fresh fruits and salads were still on the menu but I
was definitely not eating as healthy as I could be. Truth be told, there are
unhealthy vegan foods, lots of them… trust me, I know. Gingersnaps, for
example, I love them things and they are vegan (Nabisco brand). Doesn’t make
them healthy! French fries are also quite vegan… again… doesn’t make them
healthy! There are also a host of “convenience” foods that are totally
vegan and in a time crunch, they are quick and easy to grab but… yea… Just
saying.
The only
constant, my daily meditation practice. I think I keep that in my life because
honestly, meditation keeps me from killing everyone! I’m
just kidding about the desire to kill people thing. No killing!
Flipping off, maybe… so yea meditation… that shit keeps me calm! Yay meditation!
Then…
the scale broke… or…something.
I
looked up or, down at the scale one day and realized I gained more than 20lbs!
Like 22.5 and rising! What?!?! How the (****) did that happen?
*Looking around asking no one, in particular.* UGH!! Seriously?! I
mean in hindsight, I totally saw that coming. I mean HELLOOO!!!!
Sigh.
This
sucks!
I
got a little down on myself. No one is harder on me than me. Over
the course of a few weeks, I had many unproductive talks with myself. It
just made matters worse and I become completely unmotivated. Completely.
Unmotivated. As in, not motivated. Couch dweller. Comfort food seeker. I
would rather do anything than deal with the issue at hand so I am going to
avoid it. You get the hint.
So,
I stopped blogging about it. Because, well… I was embarrassed. I mean, I put all my
bizznass out there! And people were really cheering me on. It was great! I often heard things like, “Yay
go Christine you are an inspiration, if you can do it I can do it too!” And, “I don’t know how you do it all I am so
inspired by you.” And here I am talking
about, “You just have to make your health a priority.” “If you don’t take care of yourself how can
you take care of everyone else?” “Make
time for it!” Oh and this one is a classic,
“If it’s important you will make time if it’s not, you will make excuses!” You get it… I was pouring and drinking all
that really good cool aide.
People
were so committed to my success, that they not only cheered me on, they joined
me. There were friends, coworkers, and perfect strangers and followers of
my blog, who were getting on the juicing wagon and even trying meatless Mondays,
it was great! It was a movement! I was part of this movement! But
then the movement kept going without me. I couldn’t keep up with the
movement.
No, I didn’t gain ALL the weight back but I didn’t keep all the
weight off either. How could I continue sharing my epic health and
wellness journey when in reality I was struggling to keep up with myself and
the pounds were slowly sneaking back on? I was so embarrassed! I
felt like this was a colossal public failure. Granted, I am not Oprah so
it’s not like it was all that public. But it was public enough for me and
I just felt sad about it.
So,
here’s the other thing…
Shit
happens! And we need to get over it! It’s called life! And I am a
real life person living you know… life! Yes, I was totally and completely
devastated by the setback. But, that is exactly what it was, a setback.
People have set backs every single day. We don’t need to call the
National Guard to come handle it, we learn from it. That’s called
progress.
The
good news, I have not had any health issues in quite some time. I can’t
remember the last time I was really sick other than a cold. In the grand
scheme of things what’s the big deal, I gained a few pounds. OK, so what?! I
can also lose them if I so desire.
It’s
about the progress!
After
a much-needed eye-opening talk and come to Jesus moment with a very good friend
I discovered something really awesome. In essence, what Christine in
Progress is all about is… the exact definition of the word progress:
Prog·ress:
noun/ ˈpräɡres/
1. Forward or onward movement toward
a destination.
Synonyms:
forward movement, advance, going, progression, headway, passage
Christine
in Progress is about the constant and ever-changing progression of life, my
life. Yes, it was started as a way to chronicle my health and wellness
journey but maybe it’s about so much more, it’s about life in motion life’s
adventures, the success, the failures and all the stuff in between.
So, I’ve
decided to try something new. Instead of beating myself up because something
didn’t work out quite as planned I will celebrate the successful failures of my
life’s journey. There is a lesson to learn in every experience. This time
around, I learned I am not superwoman and I need to be kind to myself, take it
one day at a time and celebrate every moment especially the successful failures!
Allow
me to reintroduce myself…
My
name is Christine and I am an expert in the area of “progress
management.” :) I am also a successful failure! I am a mom who
sometimes doesn’t know what the hell she is doing but my children love me
anyway. I am a wife that is not perfect but perfectly made for him.
I am a really good friend, I am a worker bee, I am a funny girl, I am a
drama queen, I am a writer, I am an amazing shower singer, I hate
walnuts, I love red lipstick and I love a good vanilla soy chai latte! (With 6
pumps of Vanilla, extra hot!!)
I am
just a woman who is trying to live a healthy, whole balanced life. Sure, I’m
stumbling around trying to figure out what that looks like for me but, that’s OK. Aren’t we all just stumbling around trying to figure things out? I
hope you will continue to join me in this judgment-free zone as I continue to
share my journey toward a destination.
Welcome
to Christine in Progress, destination… forward!
